Pokemon Crystal | Day Two | Leg so hot u fry an eg

Our story picks up the next day, just after Jodi gets an egg from Prof. Elm. By the way, that bit about standing still for the whole night? Next time I do that, someone slap me. That was one of my dumbest ideas in a long time.

All things considered, I figured it would be best to stock up on supplies, so first thing I did was buy a few Poke Balls and Antidotes for the coming trip. Sheer curiosity led me to the northwest edge of town, and along the way I decided to speak with a few randies around town.

This led me to meeting a woman who will hopefully never have children.

Upon reaching Route 36, I proceeded to not really do anything. There's a patch of grass that I guess I forgot was even here, so I didn't even bother heading in. The real highlight is this crazy-ass tree. Thing jiggled ridiculously, and for some reason nobody thought to just cut down some other trees, so it kinda just stood there being strange and uncomfortable.

Then I found some dude who thinks he's Banjo.

I decided to head into the Ruins of Alph from here, and check things out. As far as I can recall, heading here was totally optional, but there was something I hoped to catch here.

These are part of two separate dialog sets, but they flow together well enough, so whatever. These symbols weren't what I was here for, but they do a good enough job detailing what it is.

In order to get what I came for, I had to solve this puzzle. Which... Wasn't hard. At all. I mean, yeah I've memorized it, but it's a 4x4 puzzle. These are never difficult to figure out. Like, really, this is a puzzle developed by an ancient civilization, that supposedly nobody has ever cracked? Really? I cracked this fuckin' thing when I was 9, and it took me like two seconds. Why the hell would you make this sort of thing this embarrassingly eas---

...Oh.

After all that, I ended up in a sort of cave area. This, I knew, was the place where we'd encounter wild Pokemons, because I've played through this game before multiple times. I began walking around toward an exit, with hopes as to which my first random encounter would be...

YES

YES I GOT THE D

\m/(>.<)\m/

My mission to get the D complete, I decided to leave the Ruins of Alph...

And run through Route 32. I caught an Ekans on this Route that I promptly boxed because he's mainly here as a back-up.

Also I'm still an 8 year old.

Afterwards, I encountered perhaps the most enlightening line of dialog ever spoken by someone who was not holding a phone. It was so enlightening, that I decided to beat up her Pokemon and get her phone number.

I AM STILL 8 YEARS OLD

A little while down the line, I was offered a Slowpoke Tail. Apparently, this is not an actual Slowpoke tail, and just a weird chocolate thing named after Slowpokes. I figured it couldn't hurt...

...Then I saw the price. As far as I can tell, this isn't 1,000,000 real world dollars, since 1m yen is equivalent to 8214.91 US dollars, but over 8k for a damned candy bar is still absolutely shitting ludicrous.

My perpetually being 8 years old aside, the last thing I did on this route was get a fishing rod from some Joe Nobody in the PKMN Center. I also pretended to call the police, but as it turns out there were actual police just outside that overheard... So, now this guy who gave me a fishing rod is in jail, charged with indecent exposure, for giving me a free fishing rod.

I'm an upstanding citizen.

The last leg of my journey to Azalea Town was the Union Cave. There was a good chunk of water in here, so I decided to give my new rod a whirl and go fishing...

I stood there for an hour trying to fish before realizing that pretty much nothing would come of it.

I also found this extra room on the side that feels strangely like a boss arena. Nothing else really interesting happened in there. The first Pokemon I saw in there was a Zubat, to which I was just like "fuck it" and didn't even bother with.

So we made it out. I was ready to get to the Azalea PKMN Center and heal, but I made the dumb decision to fight the Hiker nearby...

...Whose Geodude proceeded to kill ASS MONKEY. I won the fight in the end, but I lost my first Pokemon, and thus everything began to feel a bit... Empty. Being that ASS MONKEY was pretty instrumental in getting through Sprout Tower, it feels a bit odd that he'd also be the first to go. It sucked, but what can you do? At least he didn't die without any accomplishments.

And it was with this bittersweet feeling that I arrived in Azalea Town. This was where I'd finally reach the second Gym badge.

First thing I did upon reaching the heart of Azalea was to go into the Pokemon Center, firstly to heal up, and secondly to say goodbye to ASS MONKEY. Hopefully in your next life, your trainer gives you a less retarded name.

OKAY NO BUT SERIOUSLY I AM STILL 8 YEARS OLD

THIS IS JUST THE DAY OF ME MAKING EVERYTHING INTO A DICK JOKE

...Okay maybe I should explain what's actually going on here. See, this guy is a Radical Social Justice Warrior®, and has learned of Team Rocket's return. Supposedly, they are planning on taking Slowpoke and chopping off their tails for use as a snack or something... Well, good thing the one guy selling it was selling it for eight-shitting-thousand dollars...

Don't worry little girl, we're all a little lonely. Take me for example. I refuse to acknowledge that anyone else exists. That's like, the epitome of lonely right there.

I followed him into the Slowpoke Well, and as it turns out, the old dingus hurt his back getting in. In his stead, he asked me to save the Slowpokes. I'm not much into the whole "helping people" business, but in this case I get to beat up Pokemans, so I figured what the hell, why not?

I'm not gonna bother you with all of these because honestly each fight was just me spamming Hyper Fang for the entire match. I will, however, give you this:

I'm just gonna keep him as a Chikorita for now, yeah.

Getting there was easy, by the way. They tried threats, but all of them were beaten with a single Rattata. It was amazing. I, a newbie, 10 year old trainer, just wiped out a squad from a major criminal organization. How about that?

Awful cocky for someone who just got schooled by a 10 year old girl.

tyty I'd like to thank my innate love of having little fuzzy dudes beat the shit out of each other uwu

So, basically, in addition to having my pet rat bite things, I also got a special Pokeball...

...And it seems I can come back for more for every Apricorn I bring him. Neat, I guess. I'll probably never use this though, I dunno. Anyway, ready now to take on the Gym, I decided to head to the PKMN Center and heal...

...When it turns out I gave an idiot my phone number. I hung up right away, healed my Pokemons, and took on the Gym, finally.

Okay, I'm sorry but are you fucking serious here? Nintendo, really? Did you like... Not think about this?

As with most Gym nobody phases, most of this was uneventful, but I just want to not that Harold almost died while grinding and it was terrifying. Luckily, he didn't, so I still have that Pokemang for my thing-kicking needs.

Anyway, skipping ahead to the big guy, you'd be surprised at how he actually isn't the most lethal trainer in the gym, all things considered. Probably because his fucking name is Bugsy.

Like, really. Bugsy.

Stop giving your children dumb names peo---

...Oh shut up.

I went with Nakey Man for most of this fight, since he has a psychic-type move. Bug types are somehow weak to psychic moves because type trumping in Pokemon is all kinds of bunky.

To summarize, Metapod was child's play, spamming Confusion got me through all of it. I had to switch to Harold for Scyther though, as it turns out Nakey Man couldn't really do any damage to him. It worked out well, though I had to use a couple potions to make sure Harold survived.

Lastly was the Kakuna, which I just one-shotted. Bugsy was officially beaten after that.

All said and done, I now have the Hive Badge, meaning that now, any Pokemon I get in a trade from level 30 onwards will obey me. Which... Yeah, that's kinda pointless to me right now. On the bright side, whenever I find the HM for Cut, I can use it in the field!

I also got this, but none of my Pokemon can even learn it, so...

I talked to this guy, and got the idea that my next adventure should be in the Ilex Forest. So I went there, and...

OH MY GOD IT'S FUCKBOI

All things considered, though, the only worthwhile thing to note is that his Quilava actually also almost killed Harold. He had a Ghastly and a Zubat, but they were both basically gimmes. The Quilava, though, had the advantage of "everyone is near-death holy shit nooooo" on his side.

Luckily, I had enough potions on me to see it through without casualties.

This is a story of self-hatred.

So, that was how my day ended. I'm staying with Kurt for the night, since I guess it's just assumed pedophillia doesn't exist in the Pokemon universe.

So, to recap:
6 Pokemon (+2)
1 Casualty (+1)
2/8 badges