Pokemon Crystal | Day One | In which thing happens

Alright, so, first update and all that. Hello, everyone. Recently, through means of needing a more entertaining backstory than just "I felt like playing a video game", I was recently sucked into a copy of Pokemon Crystal, and was thrust into the role of doing this sort of lazy blog-style Let's Play thing about my adventures in trying to get out of the game. In doing so, I am required to beat the boss of the postgame. Because I am a masochist, I decided to gamble with fate even further by making this a Nuzlocke challenge because I guess common sense just doesn't apply in this crazy world of ours. (If you're unfamiliar, a Nuzlocke challenge is, at it's most basic level, a challenge that involves catching only the first wild Pokemon you run into in a given area, and releasing all fainted Pokemon. There are other bonus conditions you can tack on, but I'm going with just the basics because there's at least a semblance of sense left in my brain.)

Of course, there's the opening bit, which seems kind of pointless being that I have found one of five copies of this game that doesn't yet have save data on it, and I'm sort of... In the game, so you'd have to wonder what point this all serves. Well, except to tell me that I'm apparently a girl now. Look, I don't even know.

It would also be pertinent to know that I am literally 8 years old.

For the sake of not wasting your time, we're just going to skip all this opening talk and skip to the one thing we learn from this: I'm apparently named Jodi now. Makes sense, anyway. It's close to what my actual name is, I guess. Fits me, too, in a way. Like, I looked it up and it just said "A feminine variant of Jody" for the meaning and that fits me greatly, because I, too, am basically a carbon copy of literally every other over-aggressive twat on the internet.

And so I wake up in my new 8-bit girl form. In most peoples' situations, this would be the part where they furiously masturbate for hours on end, and/or get naked and make sexy poses at themselves in the mirror. Alternatively, they'd start freaking out because holy shit where did my penis go. Either one would work. I did neither. For one, I'm pretty sure this new body is supposed to be like 10 years old, and being that I'm 19 that would technically be considered pedophillia... Maybe. I honestly couldn't tell you. Point is, I have better things to do, like get my new girl self killed by recklessly heading out to the wild on my lonesome and possibly getting mauled by a Raticate, or something.

...I didn't say they were healthy priorities.

Going downstairs, I met my new mom for the first time, and past this update, there's a good chance I will never see her again. Except maybe when I've beaten the Elite Four. I dunno. Anyway, she tells me that our neighbor wants me, a 10 year old girl, to help with something, presumably his research. Her reasoning? Hell if I know. What would a 10 year old know about Pokemon that nobody else does? Oh, she also gave me a smartphone, which seems kinda funny being that this game came out before they even existed. Like... Way earlier.

And so, I finally left the house. As with most Gameboy Color towns, it's about as big as a cul-de-sac, the houses are placed very strangely, it's bizarrely missing any kind of medical facility or grocery store, and for some reason I suddenly grow in size as soon as I leave the house. As if the prospect of me leaving the house wasn't already unrealistic enough...

All things considered, though, I had nothing better to do, so I decided to head out to Professor Elm's lab and help him out...

...After examining the guy staring at the wall absentmindedly.

Perhaps he can see through walls? Look, I dunno. Those windows you see on the front on these buildings? Those are the only in-universe windows. This guy is just staring at a wall. Dude clearly has issues.

I'M SEEN OH NO

I am then promptly socked so hard I flew a few spaces backwards and it hurt really bad. At this point I could probably have called the police, but then I remembered that that's another thing this town inconspicuously lacks: A police department.

So... Whatever, really. I'll just go into the lab and be on my way.

Now here's where things started getting ridiculous. Of all the people in this podunk little town to send through the wilderness to get his package, this old dude decides to send a 10 year old girl. I mean to be fair, he did give me a Pokemon, but what makes him so sure I'll even know how to use the damn thing? What if the Pokemon gets rabies and bites my head off? If I wasn't actually an adult outside this universe, who knows if I'd survive this adventure?

...Or maybe he knows this and is just not saying anything? Yeesh, when did this world get so meta?

Anyway, if you're unfamiliar with the plot of this game, basically, he sends young Jodi off to get a package from a "Mr. Pokemon" who happens to have the most embarrassing surname one could ever have, and in doing so lets her choose one of three Pokemon to head out with. Of my possible companions, there were...

...This ugly piece of work, Totodile, who was literally the entire reason I chose not to use exclusively water starters...

...Cyndaquil, the fire starter, who would be pretty useful for the second gym, but isn't really my favorite...

...And Chikorita, my personal favorite of the three. I dunno, maybe it's because she was the first non-water starter I ever picked, but I have something of a nostalgic connection to this thing. I'm not even sure what it's supposed to be, but I like the design, and I dunno, it's rad okay. Not yet sure if I'll let it evolve, but who knows.

I think it should be obvious which one I picked. I asked a friend for names, to which he responded with...

...I made a mistake, didn't I?

God this guy's gonna hate me.

Anyway, afterwards, we exchanged phone numbers. I won't bore you with my trip there, apart from the more noteworthy stops, but basically, I went through two routes and another town...

...Learned that it's okay to accept gifts from total strangers...

...And that the people in this world are really bad about just dropping their medical supplies on the ground.

After all that, I made it to Mr. Pokemon's house, which conspicuously lacks a bed. He gave me an Egg, which I was to give to Elm. Also there was Professor Oak, who gave me a Pokedex.

What is it with these old dudes and giving prepubescent girls they don't know gifts out of nowhere?

Speaking of old dudes, Professor Elm called afterwards to panic and stutter at me, and tell me to get back to the lab. So, all things considered, I decided that might be a good idea.

Along the way, I encountered the guy who punched me earlier. As it turns out, he's even more of a douchebag than he initially let on. Like, this is some of the most stereotypical cartoon villain crap you'll ever see.

And so, I engaged in my first real battle of the run, not counting the wild Pokemon I fought earlier. Despite type match-ups being against me, the fight went relatively well. I spammed tackle and eventually his Cyndaquil died. It was pathetically easy.

I am still 8 years old.

As it turns out, this dude was just really bad at speaking, is why his name is just question marks. Who'd've thunk?

Oh my god it's an otherkin.

As I arrived back at the lab, I had two questions: "Are you a police officer?" and "Where the hell is police headquarters in this town?" neither of which I got an answer to. Nevertheless, they told me that the guy I was talking to stole a Pokemon from the lab, and asked if I saw him or caught his name. I didn't quite get what he said, but...

...I mean, I just rolled with it.

Afterward, I fulfilled my duty, was told to go see my mom...

...Given Pokeballs...

...And decided to actually see my mom. She seemed sort of sad to hear that I'd be going on an adventure, and I sort of assumed she'd be telling me I couldn't go. Strangely, she didn't.

She just did this instead. Yes, mom, I, a child, am going to let you help me save the money I get from mugging everyone my little grass monster beats. That sounds like a thing a responsible parent should be encouraging, and also expecting.

And yet something possessed me to say "yes" to that.

I arrived at Route 29, and after all that, decided to try and catch my Pokemon for the area. (It doesn't count Pokemon you were not capable of catching as the first in a Nuzlocke challenge.)

...And of course the first one would be a Rattata. Of course.

The friend I asked to name this one gave me a more normal name, so at least now it feels less like I'm making a mistake.

I spent a little while grinding afterwards, so as for things that happened during this...

...I got a Pidgey in the next route and asked another friend for a name...

...And then promptly wondered why I'm friends with these people.

That was about it, so after I finished grinding everyone to level 8, I decided to head to Violet City to take on the first gym.

THEN THIS LITTLE FUCKER JUST HAD TO GO AND RUN HIS DIPSHIT MOUTH AND I JUST COULD NOT PASS UP THE CHANCE TO TEACH HIM A LESSON.

YEAH TAKE THAT YOU LITTLE BASTARD HAHAHA WHO'S THE WEAK ONE NOW

CALL ME SOMETIME IF YOU EVER WANT YOUR RATTATA BEATEN TO A PULP AGAIN YOU LITTLE SNOT

Anyway, I met this girl on the way, but it turned out she was a filthy casual so I decided not to associate with her. Sucks too. She seemed nice apart from breeding the toxic plebian aura.

Another friend called me up afterwards, and this was our conversation:
"Hey, Jodi, I just thought of a new Pokemon name!"
"Is this gonna be another stupid one?"
"No no no, you've got it all wrong."
"Fine, what is it?"
"You should name your next Pokemon "Nakey man"."
"...I fucking hate you."
"You're still gonna name it that, though, right?"
"Yeah totally."

Conveniently, I was just on a new route, so I decided to go catch a new Pokemon and give it the name.

Didn't take long! And hey, the Caterpie was one I'd been hoping for anyway, since I usually end up with one when I play through the game anyways.

...Thinking about it now, though, something seemed a bit... Off about NAKEY MAN.

Ah well, probably nothing.

So anyway, I arrived at Violet, and realized I really had no Pokemon suited to taking on the first Gym Leader. So I decided, instead, to level my Pokemon up further and overtake him by sheer power. While grinding...

...THAT LITTLE RUNT called me for a battle like 2 seconds after our last...

...And NAKEY MAN evolved twice.

Everyone at level 10, I decided to head into town and get things done.

Something made me head to Sprout Tower first, though. Call it morbid curiosity, or something. I didn't bother catching the Pokemon I saw since the only one I didn't have was Bellsprout.

So, skipping past all the walking, I made it in time to see FUCKBOI hassling the head monk, and then got hassled by him as well.

Speaking to the head monk, he decided to test me on my abilities as a trainer, and my bond with the Pokemon I carried with me. Which I mean, you can kind of gather my bonds with them from the fact that I named them "butt", "ASS MONKEY" and "NAKEY MAN"...

Nevertheless, somehow, my Pokemons still liked me enough that the guy gave me an HM containing Flash on it. Go figure...

Finally, I took on the Gym.

First guy almost killed NAKEY MAN, second guy I one-shotted both of his Pokemon with ASS MONKEY...

And then there was Falkner. He opened by telling me something about his father and birds, other sappy junk like that, and then we finally engaged in our glorified cockfight.

His Pidgey, I one-shotted. He also broke logic by having a level 9 Pidgeotto, but let's not get into that here. I ended up having to switch to Harold during the Pidgeotto phase, but it all worked out in the end. (No, ASS MONKEY didn't die, he just went low on health.)

After all that, I got the Zephyr Badge, along with a TM I'm never going to use.

Professor Elm then called to give me an egg, which was the last thing I did today. I then proceeded to write about it and will now sleep standing up until morning.

So, current status on the run:
4 Pokemon
0 Casualties
1/8 badges

Look at this band of misfits.